Saying Goodbye with Dr. Amanda Jefferys

This story is from the July 2019 Horse Deals Magazine.

Dr. Amanda Jefferys: Registered Clinical and Health Psychologist. B. Psych (Hons). M Health Psych. Doctorate of Clinical and Health Psych. FCCLP, FCHP after MAPS. Registered Fitness Professional.

How do you say goodbye… The reality of living a rich life is the universal experience of loss, and life has loss. It’s a very normal part of the living.

And worthy of thought is the polarity of: the loss of our loved ones, those people we hold dear to our hearts, which has the potential to displace one from our life course, in contrast with the reality and yet normal experience of it being likely we will outlast our treasured equines, and yet they too impact on us when they succumb to death or injury. Keeping some semblance of self, and the ability to reconcile sorrow in these very different contexts, is worthy of consideration.

Life has influence, life has both joy and sorrow, life has moments to treasure and connect to, and life has the potential of golden moments etched in memory. As such, how do we face loss with solidarity and bravery, with vulnerability and kindness, less judgement, more self-compassion.

The real experience of loss opens up a gap between how we are feeling and staring down the reality of dealing with our current situation. The gap can be vast and feel insurmountable at times, as we feel overwhelmed by the experience. Our humanness often wants to shy away from the discomfort we are experiencing, and yet loss requires the courage to face discomfort, rather than distracting ourselves to avoiding our feelings. Loss has the potential to force us to grow, to grasp life, to treasure our heart-felt connections, to honour life and living, and challenges us to live a life well.

We have the gift of looking at classic psychological theories that interpret grief and loss events. One being Kübler-Ross’s grief cycle which provides a perspective on our emotional reaction to personal trauma and change, and thus the loss experience.

Kübler-Ross identified stages which included: denial: where one refuses to accept the facts; anger: as dealing with emotional upset can make one more reactive and even hostile; bargaining: wishing to replace or negotiate the loss event; depression: characterised by feelings of sadness, regret, fear and uncertainty; and acceptance: where one comes to terms with their loss. Theories help us identify the very normal feelings and reactions which may be part of a loss event, and each individual loss in a variety of ways.

Post this classic theory, loss is now considered to be a more fluid experience and as such the stages of grief model is not a linear experience, but rather one experiences bouncing around the different “stages” of grief (Baxter and Diehl, 1998).

Recent research has identified the most common trajectory of loss resulted in the development of resilience (Bonanno, et al, 2002), and that delayed grief reactions were rare. This provides some comfort when faced with our response to loss.

To support our initial functioning I have put together some tips which may be helpful when you face a major loss experience:

Top Tips for Addressing Loss:
• Honour yourself, how you feel: you may feel a range of feelings from shock, disbelief, to sadness, to relief. Be accepting and tune in to all these feelings, honour your personal experience and expression and as such note these feelings are worthy and show you cared.

• Time out: take valuable time to allow yourself to process the event, choose time out with loved ones, or in nature, whatever you crave is fine while you come to terms with life and life events.

• Learn valuable skills in anchoring you: try mindfulness, breathing techniques, relaxation, validating you and your reactions to loss rather than being critical of self.

• Connect with your heart and what you value: functioning from values and what drives you is supportive, remember being upset is worthy, it’s your expression of being a person who cared. Connect in or tune in versus distract yourself from feeling and tuning out.

• Seek to understand compassion: mostly compassion with yourself! Eliminate the things that are just swallowing your attention: people, places, and things that are unsupportive. Rather gather a supportive network and seek to find areas of life that allow you to be more accepting of yourself and your situation, and connect in there. This will foster your well-being through difficult times.

• Use this life lesson and grow: what are the life lessons here? Is loss part of the human experience, yes of course. How do I develop understanding and over time acceptance of loss and loss events. Maybe include a ritual to honour the loss, gather memento’s to treasure, surround yourself with warmer days.

• Rest up: take some treasured time, be kinder to yourself, embrace the little things that support you, a hug, a kindly provided cup of tea, sunshine on your body, in essence look after you, and do not strive for perfection, let go a little.

• Seek proper supports: even the most resilient and capable of us fall over. Seek professional supports through your General Practitioner is always a great option. They will know best where to get the support needed in your local community.

In essence, a life well lived, anchored in heart and values will encounter loss, there is no doubt. Honouring this aspect of life and taking the time to find the life affirming impetus to move forward and grow is so critical. I wish you well on your path.

Bonanno, G.A., Wortman, C.B., Lehman, D.R., et al. (2002). Resilience to loss and chronic grief: A prospective study from pre-loss to 18 months post-loss. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 83, 1150-1164. Kübler-Ross, E. (1969). On death and dying. New York: Macmillan.

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