Can defeat be character building? With Amanda Jefferys

This article is from the February 2019 Horse Deals magazine.

It’s interesting to contemplate whether defeat has any basis in building character. Numerous sports psychology features are emphasising the potential that loss and defeat may have the ability to alter us in a beneficial way. I rather like the more recent impetus when discussing the building of character as it implies ‘defeat may reveal character’, as in certain moments of loss and defeat we have the potential to demonstrate our inner qualities, our humanness and our humbleness, thus revealing our true self.

The construct of ‘winning at all cost’ or ‘winning is everything’ is often underpinned by an unhelpful driver, such as a ‘fear of failure’ mindset. A ‘fear of failure’ mindset is often formulated in our developmental years where a ‘win at all costs’ mentality is formulated, developed, adopted, and sometimes re-inforced by influential figures such as parent or coaches. Yet, modern psychological principles acknowledge that defeat and often failure is an inevitability in life, and this learning has the potential to develop skills such as personal growth, humility and grace in times of winning and defeat. And surely if we have faced a worthy opponent and given our all then we have performed our best work... and there can only be one winner!

The ‘fear of failure’ mindset has numerous cognitive distortions, or unhealthy thinking styles which contribute and are listed here for you to evaluate whether they may be holding you back. They include the following:

All-or-Nothing Thinking
Often seeing things in the context of black-and-white categories: and as such if your performance falls short of perfect, you see yourself as a failure.

Overgeneralisation
Such as seeing a single negative event as a never-ending pattern of defeat and therefore not able to be overcome.

Mental Filter
Such that you filter out the aspects you performed well and only focus on the negative aspects of the event.

Disqualifying the Positive
Often rejecting or diminishing the positive attributes, and thus maintaining a negative belief of your performance.

Jumping to Conclusions
Getting caught up in a negative interpretation even though there are no definite facts that convincingly support your conclusion.

Mind Reading
For example, believing you ‘know’ why someone is responding to you in a certain way, without checking it out!

Fortune Telling
Your mind forecasts you performing poorly, and then of course this often follows due to a self-fulfilling prophecy where you actually align with that poor thinking!

Magnification (Catastrophising) or Minimisation
Exaggerating or discounting the importance of your actions, and how they are contributing to your performance.

Should Statements
This is one of my favourites… all the things my mind says I ‘should’ or ‘shouldn’t’ or ‘must’ or ‘ought’ to have done! Often with very poor outcomes of feeling frustrated or resentful, or even angry towards others.

Labeling and Mislabeling
Putting negative labels on ourselves or others often perpetuates poor performance. For example, labelling yourself with “I’m a loser”, and resulting in feeling emotionally loaded.

Personalisation
Seeing oneself as the causal issue when often that is not the case, just may be circumstance on the day.

So, if we are going to strive to emphasise the potential to ‘reveal character’ in the face of loss or defeat are there valid outcomes? Consider the following skillsets in managing oneself in loss:

Preparation for Life
Life will and does provide us with loss events, sadly with our horses, difficulties in managing their health and our own are common, and these events are often hard felt and add to our emotional load. And yet these events happen, and loss is real, and coming to terms to this inevitable aspect of life is essential to our coping and our personal growth.

Reveals Character
The world does not always respond to our desires and goals, so often we fail or struggle. But it is the development and application of true resilience that is acquired through the learning achieved to address the adversities in a life. Often, we learn best through tough life lessons and it remains our personal challenge to dust off, learn, smile, and move forward (something I find riders are pretty darn good at).

Provides Drive and Purpose
Often challenges propel us forward to harness our energy, knowledge and tenacity to improve. Challenges can lead to our personal growth, to test our application and tenacity.

Encourages Self-Reflection
On occasion a loss event or defeat opens up the prospect for reflection and to consider how to improve, what needs to change, is there potential to tweak our preparation, gear, support? What are the causes that I can be responsible for and learn from, how can I minimise self-destructive tendencies and stay positive and focused?

Encourages Humility
A quality of distinction in a world where ego and self-regulation are not the learned skills. Congratulate others, offer sincere support, model whom you would like to be noted as being, be a worthy opponent and embrace competitor’s achievements.

Makes Winning Sweeter
Being a winner is valuable when the event has been a real challenge, as the positive feelings are amplified when we do win, when we have competed with worthy opponents.

I trust some of these tips or observations may be helpful when considering your reaction in competition. Of course, it’s awesome when we are in the winner’s circle, but the flipside is to take personal responsibility and do everything needed to perform well, and if you did, relax, be thankful, you are a winner.

Dr Amanda Jefferys
Registered Clinical and Health Psychologist. B. Psych (Hons). M Health Psych. Doctorate of Clinical and Health Psych. MAPS. Registered Fitness Professional

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